|Prisoner letters about prison rape…
This posting is for educational purposes.
Note; P.C., Protective Custody.
Having read the literature sent to me I can help some of the first timers to prepare for their stay within prison. I know that I can’t do it all myself, but they say the first step is the easiest way to get to the end of a long road.
When I first came to prison [at 16] I tried to stay to myself and do my own time. I held other inmates in check for a while, but the perrsure started to build up. I was at Cummins Unit…and another inmate came in my cell and demanded that I service him sexually. I told him I just wanted to be left alone. He kept on demanding that I service him and he hit me and called me a “Bitch”. He pulled out a razor and when I saw it I pushed him against the wall. He drop the razor…I ended up cutting his throat and jaw….For the first 2½ to 3 years I had to fight to keep from being “turned out.”
I got tired of fighting all the time. I started to look for a partner to “hook up” with. Someone to look out after me. A “Man” as well as a friend. Someone to talk to. I did not know the first thing about being a “Boy”….After about a year we are still hooked up.
You were right about when you said that over time that you start to develop feels for the person you are hooked up with. I did. I am only 20 years old.
The administration within the Arkansas Department of Corrections does alot to also add to the perrsure. For example, if a…first timer does something that “Rocks the Boat” against the administration they will put him in a barracks or block that is for trouble makers. He is almost certain to be rape or is made to hook up with someone that he know nothing about. And the only way he can go to P.C. (Protective Custody) is if he is raped or beat up real bad.
Rapes happen about one two per week in each prison within Arkansas. Those…are only the ones reported to the administration. There are many more rapes that they never hear about because the victims are threaten to keep the mouths closed.
Your handout on hooking up [protective pairing] is very good. It is very informative…..If I would have read it before I got my time it would have made my time easier.
When I first came to the [juvenile] penitentiary I had at least one fight a day. When a confrontation would come my way it would scare me half to death. I felt like a cat trapped in a corner…I would fight to cover my fear up….I could not show the inmates any other parts of myself. I was finally transferred to an adult prison I told myself that I was not going to fight no more. [After the cut throat incident] they locked me up in Administrative Segregation in a two man cell with a dude a hell of alot bigger than me….The next thing I know he was rubbing my arms and back. I was uncomfortable with this but was afraid to say anything. Needless to say, with grease he fucked my ass. It hurt real bad.
On the streets I only mess with girls….I learned that it is easeir to adapt to the role as a punk instead of fight it. My `life’ is a hell of alot easier now. When I first started out as a punk I had mixed feeling. I was angry at myself for becoming a punk when I fought so hard not to become one. Gradually as time when on I became more able to cope with these feelings. I was able to start ignoring what people said.
I would like to write inmates in other prisons that have been through the same experiences and that have adapted to prison life as punks….I realize some of them have no one to write to that can understand them and won’t put them down for being punks.
When the inmates here sending request to the chaplain or the “shrink” we never get an answer back….Being a punk means I can show my feelings. I don’t have to hide them. I do care for people….At one point I had a boy and I “played the man role.” But anyway that’s the past. Sometimes I sit back and think to myself “I am a man and I am letting another man put his dick in my ass.” But the closeness, intimacy and the touch are things to be tressured in prison.-G.H., Arkansas.
I’m 16 years old. I was placed in a maximum security prison and raped several times. This keeps happening because the staff…will not transfer me to the right security level. The person that is raping me told me if I told anyone that he would kill me…The other night I tried to kill myself….My mind is starting to go in a world of it’s own so the pain won’t hurt so bad. I don’t feel like a human being anymore. I’m a sexually abused animal. I should not fgeel this way, because I’m not suppost to be in the adult prison system. Please help me.
I escaped [from a minimum-security institution] because older inmates were sexually harassing me. I were caught off of escape within 24 hours. The staff wrote me up an placed me in a maxium from an minimum. When I were placed in a cell…the convicts start yelling they were going the hit me in my butt. About a week went by then they placed an older convict…who waited until I were sleep laying on my stomach before he jumped on me an penertrated my butt with his penis….When I wehen to the law library they were sexually harassing me because…told them what happen.
[from a complaint form for a civil rights lawsuit:] [The unit sergeant] told plaintiff do you know what happean to little boys that want to play man. In a man’s prison, little boy’s get their asses busted, and your a fresh 16 and I know your going to get it good. Cause I’m going to help. I know who to put in the cell with you.-J., Oklahoma
I’m a 36 year old white male. heterosexual. raped by black inmates in
After the incident I asked to be put in PC and they refused so I wrote the
In October, 1964, after a beating [by his father], I went to school with 2
This happened at the Oakland County Children’s Village….My
I have been incarcerated in prison now for 10 years, in this time I have
In my heart I believe if there is a solution it will begin in public awareness
In 1989 I was assaulted. I reported the assault but prison officials denied
At the age of 22 I was locked up… I was as green and wet behind the ears as they come when I went from the county jail to state prison. While in orientation an oldtimer took me under his wings to show me the ropes. Several weeks later he made his true intentions known…He told me…I would have to suck his dick. Upon telling him I don’t do that he proceeded to give me the riot act…
At that point a thousand and one things went through my mind. It was as though my life flashed before me. His threats and intimidation succeeded in frightening me to the degree I only wanted to survive with the least amount of pain as possible. I knew he couldn’t rape me by himself. I was more afraid of how many others he would call for re-enforcement. How many of them would rape me was the scariest thing of all.-A.P., Kansas
I hear this woman’s voice everyday. She has victimized other girls here as well + no one will lift a finger to stop her. She runs this institution + if one displeases her, they are victimized. I believe the officials are scared of her + the obvious power she holds. Knowing her the way I do, I sincerely believe she is blackmailing someone to get away with what she has + is still doing.
No one cares what happens to a prisoner. Everyone has the attitude that prisoners complain too mmuch + have unreal expections in wanting to live as a human being. That we somehow deserve all that happens to us. I know this attitude well; because I used to have this view before my incarceration.
I have done all I can possibly do to help myself…+ it is useless….Noone here is interested in your organization. The major reason for that is homosexuality is blatant + 89% of the inmate population engages in free, casual sex + damn anyone who doesn’t. Inmates-to-inmates + inmates-to-officials. It’s sickening.-Clara, Florida
I heard the first jail rape [in San Francisco Jail] with a sickened stomach. The young man’s cries were delivered pounding blows, crunching thuds on concrete, and then jeers and curses from rowdy inmates in nearby cells. “Turn him out,” and much worse was yelled.
Sex in prison generally means violence, power, manipulation, and denial….It’s a raw power game. If the predator senses weakness of any kind, any hint of confusion, ambiguity, liberality, or fear, he will attack….Silence keeps these lambs penned, shorn, and butchered.-Steven Johnsrud, Stillwater, MN.
I’m a 28 yr. old black male. I first came to prison at the age of 19 yrs. old. I was place in a max joint. Now at that time i wgt. maybe 128 pd. soak and wet. Well anyway i was given four ears for breaking itno someone house. I was place in the max. joint and put in a cell with another young kid he was white….Other prisoners…would bug me everyday for sex which i refuse to do with them. About a month after being in the joint i came back to my cell after working….I walk in my cell and it was full with black guys and my cellie was on his knees sucking them off. I should of got the fuck out of there but i didn’t. The next thing i knew i was hit in the face by someone when i turn to run i was grab by the back and they started beatting the crap out of me. Then i was told to strip which i did and they threw me on the bed and someone got on top of me and ram his dick in me i scream from the pain of it what a fucken mistake i ended up getting my face pound in for it. Then each one of them took turns fucking me. They kept beatting the crap out of me at the same time Hell i wasn’t even screaming and they hit me. Well then someone ram him dick in my mouth and i choke on it but they didn’t care. I had to suck him off and one by one they either fuck me in the ass or ram there cock down my throat or both. Than one of them decide to piss in my mouth and told me i better drink it or else so i did. Then more guys kept coming in and out my cell doing the same shit. I lost count of who was doing what. Then when i thought it was over they started in on my cellie beatting the crap out of him too. I kept getting kick in the face and punch for no fucken reason….Then i pass out and when i came to they was gone.I couldn’t moe but i was on the floor in my cell next to my cellie. He was crying…We just ball up together holding each other. I wasn’t sure if it was i couldn’t move or i was to scare to move but i stay like that til the officer’s did count….I told him we need to go to the hospital he said what the fuck you say faggot I told him again and i said we was rape. He started laughing saying yea right. Hell there was blood all over us and t he cell but this cop thinks i’m lieing. I told him to call the Lt. but he wouldn’t….Than when i woke up i had a [male] nurse over me calling my name. I got scare and jump back and start screaming Don’t touch me please don’t hurt me no more….Than i talk to the warden he act like i was lieing for he kept asking me who did it. I said i don’t know…So he order them to take me to the hole. I stay in the hole for two weeks. [then was sent] back in the hospital…..The officer’s kept laughing saying come on tell us the truth you wanted it you didn’t get rape. I couldn’t take it so i just kept quiet and tried to block them out. Than the next day this female cpt. came to see me. She never ask me what happen she just sat there next to me saying she understood. I started crying and she held my hand and i told her no one will believe me that they all believe i wanted it. I said ask my cellie he would tell you what happen. Thats when i foudn out my cellie was dead he kill his self over it…..I keep feeling if only i gave t hem what they wanted in the first place this would never happen.
I still cry so much over it and wish i could die.
I meet guys all the time now whos been rape and its unreal. The storys may be defference but one thing all of us has and thats the kowledge that we didn’t ask to be rape….I still perform sexual acts but not cause i want to or i enjoyu it I do it out of fear of being gang rape again… Se xuse to be a pleasure now its a way to survive for me. Before i came to prison i always felt only females get rape boy was i wrong. Now i know the pain they go through. It’s more mental and emotional than anything else. I feel the only reason the courts and outside world doesn’t want to get involve is cause no one wants to hear the truth. Everyone turns therre head and clsose there ear until it happens to them.
I have forgiven them it’s forgiving myself I can’t seem to do. A man lost his life at the hands of some sick people who wanted to get there rocks off and show they’re bigger than he was….How i almost took my life over it. Many people say they would have to kill me before i ever get fuck. Thats a lie they only say it cause they’ve never been there.
I know deep down the rape wasn’t my fault but knowing it and really feeling it is two different things. I fight everyday the pain i feel inside and the things i go through. What bothers me most is i fine myself shaking all over at times and i cry a lot when i think of the rape.
I have not been rape since then. Well not in a painful way anyway. The only reason why is cause when a black comes at me with it i get to scare to say no and just do what he wants to get it over with. I’ve tried to say no one time to these guys but they just laugh at me….So i got scare and just did it i didn’t want to go through what i went through before….then i end up feeling dirty and guilty afterwards.-Lorne E.Williams, Menard, Illinois
You don’t know how hard it is for me to admit this, but I wa sraped in the…county jail, by four men, It happened in 84, I was only 17, the act its self was a very sick, twisted, and brutal thing…Since then I haven’t sought for any counselling, or other forms of help, and that was a very wrong decision for me, because all I’ve done is channel the pain, and hurt in to rage, and ended up only hurting my self even more, with more time to do. I should say, a fair estimat would be at least half, of the victims end up dead, either by the hands of a predator, for fear of proecution, or self inflicted, for countless reasons, I almost became a satistic for the latter of the two, several times over. Tne years have passed, and it’s still quite hard for me to confront this in any way, but I must if I’m ever to move on with my life.-W.E., Utah
Will you help me before it happens to me? I have had one person try, “my cellie” and I caught out. Sir because of this I lost all my class all my good time and now…I’ll be forced to the cell again by the warden here. Sir I have put in for P.C. two times and have been denied for no reason. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do, this happens here quite a bit.
When I wrote you last I was in Solitary for refusing housing due to my cellie trying to rape me. I had put in for P.C. 3 or 4 times while in Solitary for this reason. When interviewed by Warden…, Captain…, and head of Classifications… for P.C. I was denied after giving them names and explanations of what happened.
On September 28th 1994 I was forced on …-Block and housed…with the same guy who had tried to rape me before. I told the officer working the block that this guy was my enemy and he let the guy in my cell any way Saying “Classification put him here.” That night I was raped by this inmate…, I couldn’t even get them to take me to the medical department for treatment. Classifications…allowed this inmate to be housed with me because I had filed a grievance on 9-20-94 against them for denieing me P.C. for this same reason…..I guess you could say they “made sure it happened.”
I am not gay, I am strait, but now I feel like they have taken my life, and I wish they had.-B.B., Texas